If you ask me my favorite things, they are all because of you. I just realized that recently. Ask me my favorite animal, it would be a monkey. Ask me my favorite fruit, it will be a banana. Ask me my favorite thing to do, it will be to travel. Ask me my favorite city, it will be New York. Ask me my favorite movies, and it will be the ones I watched with you. Ask me my favorite songs, it will be the ones I heard you sing so many times.
But why? I can explain that monkeys are cute. But bananas don't taste that great, NYC isn't too great, some of those movies weren't even decent, and most of those songs I would normally detest. Am I just a mindless person who has decided to like everything you do so we will have things in common and hopefully you will like me more? No. If you think about it, it's very simple. All those things remind me of you.
Every time I see anything about monkeys on tv, I watch it in its entirety. Every time I see a gif online for a monkey, I save it to my computer. I have my mom constantly buying bananas and banana pie, just so when I eat them, I am reminded of you. When I'm in my car and I hear one of the songs you liked, I turn up my radio. And every time I see a movie on tv that I saw with you, I can't help but watch, even if I don't like the movie.
And those movies, so many in number. It's like everyday I see another I watched with you. It seems that I remember every movie because I was with you. It really doesn't matter what was on tv. If I have seen 200 movies/shows with you, they are my top 200 movies/shows.
I won't lie and tell you that I smile while watching about the monkeys, eating my bananas or listening to those things. They still depress me to my core. It's not supposed to be like this. Here I am, how many months later? And I still am not even approaching ever getting over you. And that's all I seriously want right now. I used to say all I want is to be with you, but that's silly. I can't be with you, you don't want to be with me. I thought once I accepted that you are gone, I will be able to move on. I have thought a lot of things would finally allow me to move on. And I have tried them all, except one.
The one I won't consider is being with anyone else. If I can't be with you, I don't want to be with anyone. I can never match the feeling I had with you. The feeling of being so comfortable in the presence of someone else. I am most comfortable when I am only with me. But when I was with you, I somehow felt even better. It didn't matter what we did or where we went, as long as I was with you. But I didn't show you that. I got upset when you tried to give me things. And I got upset when we would get lost. You told me that it shouldn't have mattered, as long as we were together. But I loved you so much more than that. I wanted everything to be perfect, because then would it only be good enough for you. I wanted to thank you for giving me the feelings you have, and when I saw that it didn't turn out right, I felt like I disappointed you.
The worst thing for me is to disappoint people. Some people are driven by greed, lust, to prove others wrong, but I am driven by not disappointing anyone. And you were more to me than anyone else has ever been. To disappoint you would be the worst thing I could do. So, when we would get lost, it shouldn't have mattered because we were together? But it did so very much.
And I don't allow myself to be disappointed. This means I don't really dream, or look forward to anything in life. With every situation I only think of the bad, so when the bad happens, I won't be disappointed. But lately that's not the case. And it's hurting so much. Every time I hear footsteps towards my room, I am convinced it's you. I remember how you would drop by unannounced and I would be scared. Every single time I went to see you, I made sure I looked the best I could. But later I would pretend I didn't care how I looked. I didn't care when anyone else would see me, but I wanted to look my best for you, even if my best was pretty shitty. And you would come in, and I didn't look good enough for you. I would be mad at myself for letting that happen. And while I think of it, I will tell you something I wouldn't let you know. Something you might be thinking about now.
I would immediately sign offline when you came in. You thought it was because I was talking to someone about something and I didn't want you to see. This is hard to admit because I am so scared you will get the wrong idea. That wasn't the case and I tried to tell you it wasn't but I understand why you didn't believe me then. But I let you think you were right because telling you the truth was so much worse. But now I will tell you the truth…
I was playing in yahoo with strange names. And by strange, I mean…. Female/whorish names. Like the one time you saw, cum_play_me. I did this because yahoo is a strange place. If you are a guy, it's impossible to get a game of checkers. I would seriously wait there for hours and no one would play me. So I made up sn's like that, so many guys would come in. But I never talked to them. I would play them, they would try to cyber with me, but I would ignore them. You were in yahoo before, you know what I mean. I didn't tell you this because I knew you would think I was gay or that I was pretending to be a girl to cyber with them. But it was only to play the games. So, when you walked in, I immediately signed off so you wouldn't see. It wasn't for the reasons you thought. And I shouldn't tell you now because this will just open me up to ridicule and insults. And besides, you still might not believe me. But I swear it's the truth. If you want, I can remember some of the ID's. All the passwords were patrick. And you can see my records.
Someone hinted to me that Jim is gay and I never looked at him the same. Yes, he stole from me, my mom and has done horrible things, but the worst would be him being gay. I didn't want you to think I was.
I was saying things, but had to make sure I told you that. I just wish I had a lie detector to prove to you that I mean everything I say. It won't matter to you while I write this, but you will read this when you care and it will matter to you then.
As I was saying. I have been allowing myself to be disappointed. Today is an example. It was 2:56, a normal time you would call me. No one was home so I walked down the steps positive it was you. Four rings until my machine picks up. My heart is pounding, I know what you are going to say on the machine, "Jeff, it's me, jenn. If you get this, call me. Or whatever." But why are you calling me after so long? Do my words mean something again? It's not because you want to be with me, I'm not that stupid. But do you want to let me back in your life? Oh thank you God. Just to be in your life again. But what if that's not the case? My heart is pounding. Will I answer it? What do I have to say to you if everything is the same way it was the last time I talked to you? Oh God, I don't know if I will answer. :: Beep:: It wasn't you. It hasn't been you the last 50 times I have done this to myself. I wonder if you can ever imagine that disappointment. Even now, I hear someone coming upstairs. It's you, I know it is …