I'm so very sad right now. I want to talk to you about it, but at the same time I don't. So I will put it on this site. I sent you the link and maybe one day you'll actually read this, but you probably won't. So, in a sense, I am talking to you about this, but I am really not.
You know how I used to imitate you when you were with me. But, even thought you left, that doesn't mean I stopped. I remember all the things you would say, the cute faces you would make, imagine the things you would be thinking and how you would react in certain situations. In a sense, I make it so you are here. But, in the next moment, I see you're not. I see my candle has blown out, the warmth is gone. But the end result doesn't stop me from still doing this to myself. The longer I go from knowing you anymore, the more often I find myself doing this.
When my phone rings, I still mute my tv and pray for my mom to call my name. I guess I always pretended that it wasn't a big deal when you would call me. I would actually wait a few seconds before I got up, just so you wouldn't know. Or I would get the phone and hold it for a little while before I spoke. Anything to never let you know how much I truly loved you and loved to be with you.
Today I was just sitting here, in the silence. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. It sounded like the sound you would make coming up. And then my imagination took over…
The door opened and it was you. I just turned my head to see who it was, but I didn't get up. I just looked at you like "what are you doing here?" You looked at me in silence also. Then you spoke. "Jeff … I love you." I jumped up with near tears in my eyes and just threw my arms around you. My heart felt so warm, my arms held warmth, my life felt good.
As I heard someone knock at my door I was snapped back into reality. I actually though it would be you. And when my door opened, my heart sank to see it wasn't. When the person left, the only thing real about the embrace I imagined was the near tears in my eyes. But they weren't because of overwhelming joy.
Everyday it feels like I live in a world of sighs. When I do sigh, it feels like all the burden on my heart leaves as I exhale. But it shortly returns. But that moment of non-pain causes me to sigh more than I notice. The reason I felt the need to start this note was something I was thinking about five minutes ago. My birthday.
Of course I was in my room full of hurt from the day. And my mom called me downstairs so they could sing happy birthday to me. I went into the kitchen and saw the candles and for the first time I realized I had to make a wish. But what to wish? They already started singing. I see the flames from the candles flickering in their faces, set across the black background of the dark kitchen. What to wish? I can't think. There is so much I want that I would only get with wishing. Nothing else is worth wishing for. But what? Why can't I remember? I need to think of something before I blow out the candles and they will want me to blow out the candles right after they're done. Sure I could wish to be with Jenn again but that's too selfish. It's also too big. Something more simple. And as they finished the song it hit me. It was what I was wishing for all day. What I was wishing for all week.
"I hope Jenn comes to see me today. I hope she realizes how important this is for me. If only for me to give her the gift I made her."
And then I blew out the candles. I went back to my room telling myself that maybe. Maybe you will. Maybe. But as the night grew later I realized I am not living in a movie. This isn't "Liar, Liar" where Jim Carey has to tell the truth for a whole day because his son made that wish. This is just another day in my life. And that's when I started to write that email.
As I remembered all the times we spent together, all the things we have done for each other. As I remember all the times I got up late to pick you up, all the time I spent on making you the thing I have made. As I remember that someone I met only once really, and it was on accident. She saw me from her bus and she jumped off to say hi. She made a web page for me as a birthday present. As I remembered you calling me to hint that you were coming up. When you suggested that you would have come up to get some birthday cake if it wasn't chocolate and that you wanted the banana drink I still had. And as I remembered you then called me back to tell me you were going with him to somewhere I would never take anyone but you ... I broke inside.
You can go without caring about me at all every day, but why my birthday? Was it that you thought I ignored you on yours? It couldn't have been that because I tried to get you a present you would love. But I know why.
So much for making simple birthday wishes…
