Title 15

I can try to explain to you why I love you, or how you can trust I really do, or so many other things. But I know none of this has any effect on you, but I sorta do them, not only for you, but for me also. I keep wishing there was something I could do, something I could say. If I said I was wrong, would that fix everything? Because I was … I don't know if I was totally wrong. I still have to be so honest to you. What I did was right, but how I did it wasn't. So I was wrong. Hurting you once kills me for a lifetime. I hurt you many times so it feels like I will be dying forever. If I said I was sorry, would that fix everything? Because I am so sorry. I am so very sorry. I am sorry I am not with you right now, but that isn't why I am so very sorry. I am so very sorry because I hurt you, because I wasted your time and your love. I can deal with the pain of not being with you, but it's so hard living with the memories of all I did to hurt you. You were hurting me, so I thought that was ok. But, it never would be ok to cause you any pain. If I told you I love you, would that fix everything? Because I have so many times, so many ways. I've told you so many times you probably don't even notice anymore. But I do. I know there is nothing I could say, that I could do.

And I'll be honest with you. I am never going to be happy with you. I am never going to be able to forgive you and I will never be able to give you all of me. A few months ago I could have, but not anymore. Never again. I wish I could, but I won't allow you to hurt me like that anymore. I will never forgive you for ignoring me when I gave you my heart. I will never forgive you for leaving me. I will never forgive you for telling me I will never be as good as he is. Even with time away from you, I will never forgive you for this. Not for the lies, the back-stabbing, the forgetting, the intentional hurting and abandoning me when I needed you the most.

I just have to be so honest with you because telling you the truth is like letting myself be free.

If I get back with you, I will take it out on you. I will try to change you. But change is good, it's adapting. Those who can't adapt can't continue on. I will try to make you stop flirting with everyone with a dick. I will make you tell me the truth. I won't accept you being friends with a certain person and I won't ever allow you to tell me I am nothing. You will have to open to me and if you don't, I will use that against you. There are many other things I won't say now.

Sounds good to get back with me? I doubt it. I could lie to you and tell you I won't do any of those things. But you lying to me fucked me over the first time, which caused me to fuck you over. But it will be beautiful. Right now I'm being brutally honest, so you know I really believe it will be beautiful. Not always, but most of the times will.

And while I'm being brutally honest, I will tell you …

At times it's like I hate you. At times I think about hurting you back, to teach you that you can't do this to me and get away with it. I tell myself that when I get back with you, I am going to do what you have done to me. I am going to cheat on you, lie to you, flirt with every bitch with a pussy, and then leave you. I say I will crush every dream you ever had and drive you to near suicide. Then I will help you heal, just to do it all over again.

I say a lot of mean things about you in poems I write. Things I would never call you or let you ever read. I am so bitter and I have such hatred for the person you are at times. For the person you are all the time to me anymore. I have more negative feelings toward you than I have anyone else in my life. Simply because, for me to hold ill will against someone, they must mean a lot to me. Otherwise, I just don't care about the person at all. Like your friends. After you told me all the things they have said about me, I could say I hate them. But I don't. I don't care about them either way, they are basically nothing to me.

Even now, as I recall everything that's going on, I want to make you pay for doing this to me. Just, so much rage, hurt and bitterness. More than you will ever feel.

And by now, you probably hate me or definitely don't want to be with me. I know you that well. You only pay attention to the negative and ignore the point or all the positive that shines through the negative. You will only remember the bad things I've just said and not even pay attention to the real meaning.

The real meaning is, I love you. I still love you despite all of this. If I can love you even with all this negative emotion, nothing could ever stop me from loving you. There, you have my undying love. And I still want to be with you.

Since I have been so honest with you by telling you all those things I don't want you to know, everyone with common sense would realize I am telling the truth about the good things also. But you have never trusted me because you couldn't be trusted.

The truth is, I never cheated on you nor did I even want to. I had chances, but I didn't even flirt with the people. And I wouldn't lie to you, even thought you thought I was. Yes, I lied about things like : you would call me and I would hear my phone ring, but would not answer it and go to the shower instead. I did this because I would talk to you but have to shower still. And things like, I would get home and watch tv, then run to the shower. But I never lied to you about something serious. Or anything other than me at home after I left your house. If you can't believe me when I say that, than you can't believe all those negative things either?

The truth behind all the negative things I said at the top:

I say I would cheat on you, but I know I wouldn't. I think sex and lust is too serious to waste like that. You have slept with many people so it means nothing to you. But I still refuse to even kiss anyone even though you are fucking someone. That just still hurts me so much and always will.

And I don't think I will really take things out on you. Not if you are trying, and DEFINITELY not if you are sorry. But if you're not, I don't think I will ever forgive you. You need to be sorry and know why you're sorry. And then I might be able to forgive you. But I know you won't be. You never even once said sorry for the Josh thing. But I won't accept you back fully until you show me your were sorry and you know what you did wrong.

None of this means anything to you right now, as I type this. But I still believe it will some day. I sit here, and vividly remember times I spent with you. I see how you looked at me and how you smiled. I can't help but know you will feel something for me again. Now it's only a matter of when? When are you doing to want more than you have now? Since you have settled for some of the worst people in the world, I know you are happy with what you have now. So I wait for him to decide he wants more. And I know he will. He can't love you as much as I do, and he doesn't feel everything I do for you. It's just so frustrating that you're wasting my time by being stupid. It's so frustrating when I remember how you told me that the chance with him was better than anything I had. I don't know, the more I think about it, the more pissed I become. Sometimes I tell myself,

When he drops her, she will come back to me. She will have nothing else. And then I will laugh in her face to show her she has nothing. And she never will. She will never find someone as good as me and I will let her think about that for the rest of her miserable life. That will pay her back for hurting me.

And if I could stop being in love with you, I would do this. I wouldn't even think about giving you a second chance. Actually, more like a 50th chance. And you don't deserve one, you didn't give me even one.

I know I shouldn't post an of this. I said a lot of things I don't really mean. I'm emotional and can become so angry and hateful very quickly. And when I have thought these things, it's when I was angry and hateful. If I wait a few minutes to rewrite this, I will be so much nicer. But, with me, you have to take the good with the bad.


	Back I can try to explain to you why I love you, or how you can trust I really do, or so many other things. But I know none of this has any effect on you, but I sorta do them, not only for you, but for me also. I keep wishing there was something I could do, something I could say. If I said I was wrong, would that fix everything? Because I was … I don't know if I was totally wrong. I still have to be so honest to you. What I did was right, but how I did it wasn't. So I was wrong. Hurting you once kills me for a lifetime. I hurt you many times so it feels like I will be dying forever. If I said I was sorry, would that fix everything? Because I am so sorry. I am so very sorry. I am sorry I am not with you right now, but that isn't why I am so very sorry. I am so very sorry because I hurt you, because I wasted your time and your love. I can deal with the pain of not being with you, but it's so hard living with the memories of all I did to hurt you. You were hurting me, so I thought that was ok. But, it never would be ok to cause you any pain. If I told you I love you, would that fix everything? Because I have so many times, so many ways. I've told you so many times you probably don't even notice anymore. But I do. I know there is nothing I could say, that I could do. And I'll be honest with you. I am never going to be happy with you. I am never going to be able to forgive you and I will never be able to give you all of me. A few months ago I could have, but not anymore. Never again. I wish I could, but I won't allow you to hurt me like that anymore. I will never forgive you for ignoring me when I gave you my heart. I will never forgive you for leaving me. I will never forgive you for telling me I will never be as good as he is. Even with time away from you, I will never forgive you for this. Not for the lies, the back-stabbing, the forgetting, the intentional hurting and abandoning me when I needed you the most. I just have to be so honest with you because telling you the truth is like letting myself be free. If I get back with you, I will take it out on you. I will try to change you. But change is good, it's adapting. Those who can't adapt can't continue on. I will try to make you stop flirting with everyone with a dick. I will make you tell me the truth. I won't accept you being friends with a certain person and I won't ever allow you to tell me I am nothing. You will have to open to me and if you don't, I will use that against you. There are many other things I won't say now. Sounds good to get back with me? I doubt it. I could lie to you and tell you I won't do any of those things. But you lying to me fucked me over the first time, which caused me to fuck you over. But it will be beautiful. Right now I'm being brutally honest, so you know I really believe it will be beautiful. Not always, but most of the times will. And while I'm being brutally honest, I will tell you … At times it's like I hate you. At times I think about hurting you back, to teach you that you can't do this to me and get away with it. I tell myself that when I get back with you, I am going to do what you have done to me. I am going to cheat on you, lie to you, flirt with every bitch with a pussy, and then leave you. I say I will crush every dream you ever had and drive you to near suicide. Then I will help you heal, just to do it all over again. I say a lot of mean things about you in poems I write. Things I would never call you or let you ever read. I am so bitter and I have such hatred for the person you are at times. For the person you are all the time to me anymore. I have more negative feelings toward you than I have anyone else in my life. Simply because, for me to hold ill will against someone, they must mean a lot to me. Otherwise, I just don't care about the person at all. Like your friends. After you told me all the things they have said about me, I could say I hate them. But I don't. I don't care about them either way, they are basically nothing to me. Even now, as I recall everything that's going on, I want to make you pay for doing this to me. Just, so much rage, hurt and bitterness. More than you will ever feel. And by now, you probably hate me or definitely don't want to be with me. I know you that well. You only pay attention to the negative and ignore the point or all the positive that shines through the negative. You will only remember the bad things I've just said and not even pay attention to the real meaning. The real meaning is, I love you. I still love you despite all of this. If I can love you even with all this negative emotion, nothing could ever stop me from loving you. There, you have my undying love. And I still want to be with you. Since I have been so honest with you by telling you all those things I don't want you to know, everyone with common sense would realize I am telling the truth about the good things also. But you have never trusted me because you couldn't be trusted. The truth is, I never cheated on you nor did I even want to. I had chances, but I didn't even flirt with the people. And I wouldn't lie to you, even thought you thought I was. Yes, I lied about things like : you would call me and I would hear my phone ring, but would not answer it and go to the shower instead. I did this because I would talk to you but have to shower still. And things like, I would get home and watch tv, then run to the shower. But I never lied to you about something serious. Or anything other than me at home after I left your house. If you can't believe me when I say that, than you can't believe all those negative things either? The truth behind all the negative things I said at the top: I say I would cheat on you, but I know I wouldn't. I think sex and lust is too serious to waste like that. You have slept with many people so it means nothing to you. But I still refuse to even kiss anyone even though you are fucking someone. That just still hurts me so much and always will. And I don't think I will really take things out on you. Not if you are trying, and DEFINITELY not if you are sorry. But if you're not, I don't think I will ever forgive you. You need to be sorry and know why you're sorry. And then I might be able to forgive you. But I know you won't be. You never even once said sorry for the Josh thing. But I won't accept you back fully until you show me your were sorry and you know what you did wrong. None of this means anything to you right now, as I type this. But I still believe it will some day. I sit here, and vividly remember times I spent with you. I see how you looked at me and how you smiled. I can't help but know you will feel something for me again. Now it's only a matter of when? When are you doing to want more than you have now? Since you have settled for some of the worst people in the world, I know you are happy with what you have now. So I wait for him to decide he wants more. And I know he will. He can't love you as much as I do, and he doesn't feel everything I do for you. It's just so frustrating that you're wasting my time by being stupid. It's so frustrating when I remember how you told me that the chance with him was better than anything I had. I don't know, the more I think about it, the more pissed I become. Sometimes I tell myself, When he drops her, she will come back to me. She will have nothing else. And then I will laugh in her face to show her she has nothing. And she never will. She will never find someone as good as me and I will let her think about that for the rest of her miserable life. That will pay her back for hurting me. And if I could stop being in love with you, I would do this. I wouldn't even think about giving you a second chance. Actually, more like a 50th chance. And you don't deserve one, you didn't give me even one. I know I shouldn't post an of this. I said a lot of things I don't really mean. I'm emotional and can become so angry and hateful very quickly. And when I have thought these things, it's when I was angry and hateful. If I wait a few minutes to rewrite this, I will be so much nicer. But, with me, you have to take the good with the bad.